John Harvard has the answers to every burning question a college student could ask.
John Harvard has the answers to every burning question a college student could ask. By Angel Zhang

Ask John (Harvard): Puritan Problem Solving for Modern Times

John Harvard knows you are afflicted with homework, lust, and sloth! Read on to be saved!
By Clara E. Shapiro

To My Congregation —

“John Harvard,” saith the Lord to me one day, for that is my name. “Look down. Thy flock has fallen into sin.”

“Aye, Lord,” says I. For ’twas true — below I saw my Colledge filled with

Vice, the vilest Gomorrah of debauchery and fornicacion.

“Go ye down to Earth, John,” saith the Lord. “Preach a sermon to yer flock.

Give them Godly Counsel. Make ye a COLUMN!”

“A Column?” says I. “Ye mean I shall turn them all to Columns to punish them for their sins? Might I turn them to Pillars, as Lot’s wife was turned to a salt pillar?”

“Nay, John,” saith the Lord. “An Advice Column.”

So pleaseth the Lord, I shall obey. Heed my Godly word, and repent.

What should Harvard’s mascot be?

There shall NOT be. “THOU SHALT MAKE NO GRAVEN IMAGES,” the Bible tells us.

How do I make my roommates take out the trash?

First, speake ye directly unto the idle knaves. If they will not heed you, and act not as Models of Christian Charitey, ye must take them before the Great and General Court of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, whereupon they shall be THRUST INTO THE PILLORY.

How do you recommend navigating a situationship in college?

Many a ship have I navigated in my time. I remember the fateful year 1627, ’twas, when I sailed forth from England to the New Worlde. If ye wish to navigate this ship — the “Situation,” ye call it — ye must keep firm hold o’ your compass, as well as your octant and sextant. See to it that ye have a map, but consult the stars as well for their celestiale wisdom. But most of all, ye must pray. Fall upon your knees, repent of thy evil ways, and pray that the Lord sees fit to grant ye deliverance.

What is your opinion of the current state of affairs at Harvard?

“STATE OF AFFAIRS???!!!” Nay, there shall be no AFFAIRS in the god-fearing State of MASSACHUSETTS BAY! For the Bible tells us, “the man who lieth with another man's wife — with the wife of his neighbour — both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.” Fornicators shall be thrashed 30 lashes. Adulterers shall be put to death, provided that the Lord does not strike them down first.

How do I balance clubs with socializing and schoolwork?

Remember ye that Sloth is a Sin. Know ye, sinner — Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings. Be ye pious and industrious. Toil, as did the Lord, for six of seven days. The seventh and holiest day ye must stave in prayer, repentance, and silent contemplacion, or else gird thyself to fast in flames in the Worlde to Come.

Why is Annenberg food so mid?

Ye ought to fall to your KNEES and thank the Lord for his Bounty. Not long ago I heard a modern song, an ungodly and impious tune, being sung by some manner of tailor, a tailor called “Swift.” Thusly does the Tailor sing: “We just keep dancing like we’re… 22”

Well, in the winter of ’22 – 1622, it was – nary a soul was to be seen “dancing” in the Colony of Massachusetts Bay. WHY? Ye ask. FOR THEY HAD PERISHED FROM THE FAMINE!!! Then even the humble ACORN was Manna!!

Why do I sometimes feel like an imposter here at Harvard? How should I cope with this?

Aye, man, ye’re correct — Thou ART an imposter, sure as Judas. Know ye well that ’tis but for the grace of GOD that ye live, sending forthe the rancour of yer sinful breath to pollute the air of God’s Creatures. Thou art unredeemable, unprofitable. Thy bosom is as a garden patch fit only for the Weeds of Sin, which cry out to be torn up, and burnt.

Did you look like the statue?

Nay, man. Better.

LevityEditors' Choice