Keeping your Optimal Buzz at Zero: How to Be a Sober Friend at Harvard-Yale

By Brandon W. Hills

Tl;dr: Stay sober and avoid being that friend, pricey Fenway drinks, and BPD. Sounds like a dub to us!

Learn from your (or your friends’) mistakes

We all have that one friend who pre-gamed a little too hard and couldn’t make it to Yardfest in the spring. Harvard-Yale is the biggest event of the fall semester, midterm season is in full swing, and if there’s one thing keeping you sane, it’s the fact that Harvard-Yale weekend and Thanksgiving are coming up. Don’t be the fall-semester rendition of that guy who ruined Yardfest for your entire friend group.

Don’t want people to know you’re sober? Deflect their questions!

Do you drink? “Yes. Exclusively CapriSun (Strawberry Kiwi, of course).”

Are you sober? “I am so-berry disappointed with the way that Harvard-Yale was organized this year.”

Is that a CapriSun in your pocket? “Sorry, that’s not for sale.”

Think of your coin

Drinking is expensive y’all (especially if you’re planning on drinking at Fenway). Plus, an ambulance ride to Mt. Auburn, and lawyers fees to fight a charge from the BPD can cost you in the thousands. Save that money! Use it as incentive for being teetotal, and your bank account (and parents!) will thank you. You could even splurge on some of your favorite juice pouches.

Do other things!

Contrary to popular belief, there are actually other things to do before Harvard-Yale besides drinking. There are going to be a bunch of tailgating events where you can get free swag and food. If for nothing else, stay sober so you can be in you greatest capacity for running from one event to another in order to win gold at the free swag olympics. Bonus points if you manage to wear all of your free swag (at once) to the game. It’ll be the new 100-layer challenge.

If all other reasons for being sober fail to be compelling, just remember that you gotta be sober to recognize that cute guy from Yale that you follow on social media. That’s in case you “happen” to run into him. In all seriousness, feel free to be the sober friend. Final verdict is that you can still have fun (and CapriSun) even if your optimal buzz is zero.

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