How To: Convince a Yale Student to Let You Sleep in Their Dorm

Are you excited to wander the streets of New Haven, desperately searching for a place to rest your weary and perhaps inebriated head before the big game? No? Then try these tips.

Open a dating app

If you’re down bad, imagine being the same general type of person but living in New Haven, where there’s only a couple other universities for several miles. We have Lesley, MIT, Northeastern, Tufts, BU, BC, Emerson, Suffolk, the list goes on. They basically only have visiting Harvard students. Find someone desperate and con them into letting you sleep on their floor… or in their bed ;)

Pickpocket a key

Follow this script.

You (at a party): Wow, Yale is so cool. Which residential college did you say you were in, again?

Them: [Answers]

You: Oh man, is that one of the tall ones? Which floor are you on?

Them: [Answers]

You: Woah, crazy. And do they do the thing where they put your name on the door?

Them: [Answers in the affirmative]

You (flirtatiously): What did you say your name was?

Them: [Answers, flustered by your forwardness]

And this is when you go in for the ‘hug,’ getting their key from their pocket. Foolproof. For legal reasons, this is a joke.

Challenge them to a battle of wits

No Yalie backs down from a challenge. Suggest a game of chess, typing speed test, or trivia contest. Since you have the superior education (and probably IQ), you’ll win. Then demand as your prize that you sleep in their bed while they sleep on the floor.

Appeal to their sense of superiority

This is a last resort, but if you find somebody slightly less drunk than all of their friends (which is how you can tell they think they’re better than everyone), just hit them with the “I don’t know what to do :( Can you help me?” And they’ll feel obligated. But use this with caution, because you can’t allow a Yalie to feel better than you forever. Maybe steal something expensive from their room? For legal reasons, this is also a joke.

Gaslight somebody that you went to their high school

First, find somebody on Instagram (or LinkedIn) to get their name and high school, then approach them. “Oh my god, [name]?! I haven’t seen you since senior year at [high school]! Wow, this is crazy. Anyway, I’m in a tough spot tonight and don’t have anywhere to sleep yet, so would it be insane for me to ask you? Omg thanks! You definitely remember me, right? You can trust me!”

And then steal something expensive from their room. FOR LEGAL REASONS THIS IS A—

With these tips, you’ll have a great sleep and be completely refreshed so that you can fully enjoy it when Harvard wins the next day. See you in New Haven!