Flyby Tries: Masquerading as a Y*le Student
You could say this has been a long time coming. Well, at least since Wednesday morning, when I bought my Harvard-Y*le ticket. It says Y*LE across the top in these big letters, like Y*le needs to make sure that we all know that we were forced to make the trip to the middle of nowhere, Connecticut, just for the honor of seeing Harvard brutally crush their football team or being nice enough to let them win.
So today, I would like to give you some ideas on how to look and act like a Y*le student. That way, they can believe nobody from Harvard chose to show up at their game and be humiliated forever. And hey, it might even make it easier for you to get yourself a Y*le cutie. Without further ado, here’s what you actually need to do.
Dress up in navy blue
This one might be easy enough, depending on the wardrobe that you’ve cultivated over the last few years of your life. Sure, it’s probably disproportionately crimson from all of the free merch you’ve gotten from the Student Involvement Fairs, but perhaps there’s just one piece of blue attire that you own simply for aesthetic reasons. No luck? Feel free to cut out a giant “Y” from white paper and paste it on the front of your Harvard merch, being sure to cover up anything that says the name of our beloved institution. Most Y*lies won’t be able to tell the difference!
Manufacture a Y*le ID card (JK)
This one’s for all of you that miss the simpler times in elementary school when we would have designated art periods. Print out a copy of a Y*le ID card, put your own personal info on it using an app like our beloved Canva, print it out, and then laminate it! That’s all you need. Once you get to New Haven you can flash it everywhere and tell the other people that it’s a temporary ID. Or better yet, just print it out and tape it to the front of your actual ID card. People will believe that you’re a real life student, just like them!
Fawn over bulldogs
Let’s be real, this task is the easiest of them all. We love bulldogs. They’re just so cute, even if they have trouble breathing from all that inbreeding. Maybe we can get Y*le cancelled for glorifying the inbreeding of puppies? I wonder how related Handsome Dan’s parents are...
Ask your fellow students what they are majoring in
What’s a concentration? Time to remove that word from your vocabulary. From this moment on, you are majoring in econ with a minor in being a snake. You also don’t live in a House, you live in a residential college. Don’t worry about remembering the names of all the residential colleges, if it sounds like it’s named for an old white person, that’s a residential college. Like Benjamin Franklin. That’s the only one you need to know.
We’re unsure if Y*le has any other lingo, perhaps besides saying not-so-nice things about universities that are definitely superior to them. If someone says “the city,” they will probably mean New York. If someone says “fun,” they will probably mean avoiding certain death on a Friday night. We can learn together!
Brainstorm some Toad’s stories
Sources indicate that Toad’s is the only place Y*le students can go for a mediocre night out. Apparently stuff gets really crazy there between the unknown bands that sometimes perform and the sheer crowds caused by the fact that there is literally no other establishment in the entire vicinity of New Haven. Maybe you got stepped on at the last show. Maybe someone vomited on you. The sky’s the limit in terms of how crazy your story can get, but remember, this is still New Haven. Nothing too cool ever happens here.
Cry about not attending Harvard
Everybody knows this is the only thing that Y*le students do in their downtime. Who can blame them? They go to an extremely mediocre university while Harvard is well, Harvard. If you actually dedicate yourself to the ruse, make sure to cry at any mention of Harvard. Yes, Harvard, the school that brutally rejected you, forcing you to attend your safety, Y*le University. Everybody else will be doing the same thing!
Even if you don’t go for the full deception, remember one thing: there’s a reason Yuck Fale rolls off the tongue so much easier than Huck Farvard. It’s almost as if Y*le recognizes how yucky it is. As long as you remember that, you’ll be fine.