What’s up, MTV? I want to welcome you to my crib: the one and only Lamont Library.
We’ll just enter through these turnstiles right here. Sorry about the inconvenience, but security is an absolute must. Home invasion is no joke, seriously. A lot of sketchy characters in Cambridge — have you heard about that bicyclist who assaulted three grad students? Just goes to show you, no one is safe these days. That’s why Lamont is so great — now you never have to brave the perilous journey back to your dorm at 3 a.m.
So right down these stairs is the lounge — oh, sorry, could I ask you to take your shoes off? We may be college students, but we’re not total animals. You can just put them on that bottom shelf over there. Great. You can hang your scooter on the scooter rack right next to it.
So here you can kick back, watch some TV, chill with your friends — it’s fantastic. There are some daybeds here but if you want those good eight hours, I would recommend the quiet space on the top floor. You’ll get some of the best rest of your life up there, guaranteed. No mattress topper necessary.
Oh, hey! We just passed by some Lamont Lifers. Once they figured out you can call in sick and Zoom into class instead, they’ve literally never left. Love those guys.
By the way, bathrooms are right down the hall. They’re way more spacious than those dingy hall bathrooms you’re used to. We’ve also installed some hooks to hang toiletries and towels and such to really make people feel at home.
So, I know what you’re thinking: What about food? I’m getting hungry, too. In my humble opinion, the Lamont Café trumps any d-hall — no chaos, just vibes.
Trays are resting on that Thoreau collection, utensils are in those pencil cups. No, HUDS actually doesn’t know about this set-up; slowly but surely, we’ve pilfered the Annenberg utensils to the point where we have a whole set. I mean sure, maybe we took a little too much that one time and they had to start giving the freshmen paper plates, but Harvard’s got enough dough that they just replaced them after, like, a week.
We have Honey Nut Scooters, Marshmallow Mateys, all the classics. If you’re looking for healthier snacks, there’s some raw zucchini and ranch from last night’s brain break. Oh, hot food? We’re going to have to go down to the bottom level. A while ago we told a freshman that if he dug a tunnel from Annenberg to Lamont with a soup spoon, we’d get him punched by the Porcellian.
Ha, no, I don’t think he actually did it with a spoon. I think he got his friends from MIT to help him out. I think they used a tunneling machine — you know, like the one from that episode of “Phineas and Ferb”? The Drill-inator? Actually, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure Dr. Doofenshmirtz is an MIT alum. Anyways, now we have this nifty pipe that runs straight from ‘Berg to our beloved Lamont.
Then we did some….networking….and now we have a guy from HUDS who chucks Annenberg’s leftovers into the pipe and boom! It’s pretty simple. This way, our meal times are a lot more reasonable. I still can’t believe that breakfast closes for you guys at 10:30 am. That’s practically when we Lamonsters go to sleep.
Well, thanks for visiting! Please, don’t be a stranger and come by anytime, I mean it. Our doors are open 24/7.
— Magazine writer Amber H. Levis can be reached at email@example.com.