The Year in Headlines

September

06 Freshman photographed by tourist for the first time, senior for the 1,092nd time

17 Everyone loves Faust’s appearance on Colbert, no one reads book

20 Freshman walks onto crew team

21 Freshman gives up, too hard

October

02 Senior convinced thesis will be “groundbreaking” and “important to the field”

25 Dhall party “not as well attended” as HoCo had hoped

28 Sex Week does not live up to name, freshman finds

31 Harvard adds another women’s center: The Bikeroom of The Porcellian

November

02 Students change profile pictures, travel to New Hampshire, take semesters off to work on Tara + Jen campaign

06 All Gov 1310 apologies found to have the same typo

08 Alcohol policy updated, administration remains uncool

11 Sophomore can’t decide on which concentration will best prepare him for inevitable investment banking career

17 Student caught with cup of beer at H-Y tailgate, high fived, then Ad Boarded

December

01 Entire entryway disappointed when pregnant tutor’s baby not as adorable as hoped

05 John Harvard statue joins Munch, has fetish for getting peed on

12 Primal Scream definitely the worst time to fall, freshman female prove

19 Baseball team successfully completes Greek Heroes

23 Harvard students take a Gov class, don’t cheat, everyone gets an A anyway

January

11 Senior begins to wonder if thesis may be in trouble

18 Student spends six weeks having meals cooked for her and sleeping late, thinks this is different from rest of school year

21 Food Literacy Project once again tries to prove that it’s a “real club” by hosting J-term events, Crimson Key doesn’t even try

February

03 Juniors actually get lunch after saying they will successfully catch-up and find out “how it’s going”

12 9 a.m. lecture class experiences record attendance when that suck-up in the front row brings a friend

20 Harvard calls critics of mental health services “crazy” and “totally insane”

March

03 Awkward silence in Af-Am 10 section lasts two minutes

12 Guy with shirt off taking IMs too seriously says everyone else involved

16 Veritones harmonize “Come on Get Higher” so fucking beautifully

20 Junior has “a fun time” at Harvard sports game, peers remain unconvinced

24 Students looking for unique Spring break trip end up in Montreal anyway

26 Senior can’t wait to be done with the piece of shit thesis she’s finally fucking turning in

April

02 Freshman male gets let into first party

05 Investigative report: DAPA water bottles not always being used responsibly

09 Junior realizes he will be wearing a bro tank to Yardfest, starts lifting, passes out before YardFest begins

11 One Folklore and Mythology concentrator not named PBK, kicked out of dept.

13 “Well, maybe next year,” College Events Board says of Yardfest

14 Junior has “a fun time” off-campus, peers remain skeptical

May

17 One graduating senior chooses not to go into finance, picks consulting, then reconsiders and joins Goldman

19 Seniors describe Harvard as “positive experience,” feel empty inside

June

27 Harvard’s expansion into Allston reminds Harvard that Allston is disgusting